Life Hacks

(why does no one ever ask me about my love of musical theater)

Nothing is more demeaning than waiting in line at the bar -READ: Strip Club– only to see the doorman give that bro-handshake/half hug to a patron in front of you. Even worse, someone walks up, and the doorman greets him by name while waiving him to “go right in.” You get jealous and wish you were that person, wanting to have his high social status! You dream of what it must be like to be such a baller and player, until you realize only rappers and professional athletes are allowed to be referred to as such.

But it gets worse. You spot that stranger in the bar, he’s enjoying himself, surrounded by awesome looking friends, and you want to talk to him, you want to get to know him. He just seems different. If he was your friend, you’d probably have the life you always wanted. Exotic vacations, spontaneous trips… Oh and the girls, you know he must get all the girls.

Well this tip was actually given to me by a stripper when I asked her how to date strippers. She replied, “It’s simple, just always buy the doorman a drink.”

It works like this, on a slow night, buy a Red Bull and a water from the bar. Go outside for a quick smoke or some fresh air. Walk up to the doorman and hand him over the Red Bull and say something like “Thought you might need this tonight” – if he explains he is not drinking caffeine, give him your water instead. Ask his name and strike up a short conversation, “So whats the worst fake ID you have ever seen?” “This place seems pretty chill, ever see any craziness?” Just something simple, a little three minute chat, nothing more, he has work to do. When you go back inside makes sure to end with a “Great to meet you INSERT NAME HERE” He may have already forgotten your name, repeat it for him.

In a few minutes you have just increased your social standing at the said establishment, and high social standing makes everything easier. You should always get to know the manager and bartenders at your local hangouts as well. Nothing makes you look more important than walking into a a bar, having  the doorman call you out by name, the manager visit you at your table, and the bartender single you out for a drink. And people – READ: Girls – like important people.

Now, this hack often needs a followup.  The next time you come to the club, the Doorman may or may not remember you, just walk up to him and say “How you doing INSERT NAME,” if he doesn’t reply by your name, make sure to remind him again “It was INSERT YOUR NAME.” If he is still staring a blank, just finish with “If you need another Red Bull let me know.”  I’ve never had a doorman forget me after a reminder.

And now you are that guy! You are the guy who is envied by all the suckers waiting in line. Every time you show up to the “bar” it will be you getting the bro-handshake half hug. And soon the doorman will just waiving you in.